Hello!

Welcome to the Fucking Yoga Blog. You may have found your way here via the title with a little hope in your heart that someone out there wouldn’t be expounding on the benefits of yoga!

The Goddess Welcomes You

Alas, I happen to think yoga is one of those activities that promote lifelong wellness. I am, indeed, a certified yoga instructor and a cough…cough thirty-year practitioner of said activity. BUT, seriously, you knew that was coming right?!

It’s sad to say a lot of us, me included, have had a terrible, scarring yoga experience.

I will admit the topic was something of a lark for me. For the most part, I’m a fiction writer. My hubby and publishing partner, affectionately known as The Beard, has been demanding a book about yoga for AGES.

After a lengthy debate and a couple of glasses of wine, I relented shouting, “FINE! I’ll write the fucking yoga book!” After a few seconds pause, I continued, “AND I’m going to call it The Fucking Yoga Book. THAT’S the title.”

The Beard looked at me. “Seriously, The Fucking Yoga Book?”

(more…)

Yoga for Everybody Is Bullshit.

You know it. Someone has told you, “You HAVE to try yoga! It’s GOOD for you!” Fuck that noise. Yoga for everybody is bullshit. Don’t get me wrong. I love yoga. I hope so; I’ve been practicing it for over 30 years. I don’t love this sing-songy, oozing bullshit I hear when someone is talking about yoga. Yes, I eavesdrop. I’m a writer, of course, I am.

This crap is everywhere. The top ten reasons you should try yoga. Yoga will change your life. Seven reasons you shouldn’t try yoga. Snort, like that, isn’t a shady bullshit move. Every single one of these articles tout the same malarkey if not the same angle. Oooh, we love yoga and so too shall you.

 

Not Everyone Is Going to Love Yoga Right Out of The Gate.

 

It makes me want to slap the shit out of someone. Preferably some slender, young, hyper-flexible yoga junkie who has drunk the hippy kool-aid and is so far left a yoga nut that they give ISIS members a run for their money in extremism.

Yoga isn’t for everybody. It’s fucking hard. It isn’t all stretching and sunshine. There’s a lot of thinking involved so that turning off your mind line, yeah bullshit. The first time you try yoga find a beginning yoga class. BEGINNING.

Go early and talk to the teacher. There ain’t no shame in admitting you’re a newbie. A beginning yoga teacher should ask about your injuries and your limitations. If they don’t, walk out. I fucking mean it. You can injure your body doing yoga. I really fucking mean it. Healthy alignment is critical and not all yoga teachers know healthy alignment.

Gear your brain up to feel some serious distress. Yoga is intimidating as hell. For most of us, it’s a completely different way of dealing with your body and your brain. Which is to say, we typically don’t.

Once you step on a fucking yoga mat, all attempts to ignore your body and quiet your mind fly out the fucking window. All you’ll be doing is thinking and thinking and thinking. That whole quiet mindfulness, yeah that doesn’t happen for MONTHS.

 

It’s entirely valid to hate yoga.

 

You’re gonna hate it. You many NEVER love it. I have a love/hate relationship with Indoor Cycling. Doesn’t stop me from doing it.

That first class is going to suck eggs. If the teacher doesn’t help you find a safe and healthy way to be in a pose, don’t go back. Find another beginning yoga class and prepare to hate it.

Yoga is a process. In fact, the first few classes are going to suck eggs. There is no instant in yoga. It’s awkward as fuck. It’s confusing as fuck. You’re never as flexible as you’d like to be. Hell, thirty years I’ve been practicing yoga, and I’m still not bendy like a pretzel. I don’t have any desire to be. That’s yoga bullshit.

Some things you’ll hear about yoga are just wrong. Seriously, in writing The F*cking Yoga Book I’ve done a shit ton of research. From yoga history to current medical science, there are benefits to yoga, again . . . proven by science, but some poses aren’t beneficial to your body under any circumstances.

Yoga doesn’t detoxify anything except a crappy fucking attitude, and that won’t be instantaneous. It’s likely to spike your frustration and rage at first. A lot of yoga teachers don’t know shit. They don’t know shit about yoga, they don’t know shit about anatomy, and they don’t know shit about you.

It’s okay. You can say it. Yoga isn’t the end all be all. There is no divine yoga lightning to strike you down.

Yeah, I think every fucking person on the planet would benefit from yoga. Truth is not every yoga offers benefits. If something about the yoga class doesn’t click for you, you are not a failure as a human being. Find another class to try. A BEGINNING class.

It’s not about chakras, chanting, or detoxing. Scientific studies prove yoga can lower your blood pressure, reduce stress, manage chronic pain, and aid in the treatment of depression TEN times more efficiently than medication.

And you might not want to fucking punch that slender, young, hyper-flexible yoga hippy asshole. Maybe.

The New Yoga Goddess Logo Is Here!

SFW sass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’s been in my head for a while now. The F*cking Yoga Goddess. I knew how she should look, slightly snarky smile, raised eyebrow, and all.

 

 

I just couldn’t get her on paper. Kudos to the brilliant artists in my life, but I struggle with stick figures. Yes, I have to draw stick figures, it’s how I notate yoga flows. It’s hard.

 

 

Zero f*cks to give.

 

Working on building the brand to launch the book, The F*cking Yoga Goddess has been my hidden muse. I can’t wait until my schwag arrives! Of course, we have the original sass, SFW sass, and punny sass (I’m a writer when all is said and done). You can pick your sassy poison.

 

 

She’s offering you the bird. Get it?!

While I’m hunting around for a great printer, we’ve set up a shop where you can order your own sassy version.

 

 

No perfect yoga bodies here. See in you the studio!

Can’t You Teach More Yoga

Oh my loves, I do appreciate your love of my classes. Every time someone says, “If you added a class at such and such time, it would be perfect” I glow with warm fuzzies. And then I quickly crush your dreams. “I can’t teach all of the yoga.”

It’s the same with Cycle or Fit Fun Flex.

I’m a control freak. I’m in recovery. Believe me, there are times when I attend a yoga class and I’m grinding my teeth over some thing the instructor is cueing. I have agreed to cover too many fitness classes in a week with the idea that I’ll get to evangelize people with my brand of F*cking Yoga.

 

This Is How I Look When I Overschedule.

 

It never works. I kick my own ass and most of the folks in other classes love their instructors because of the brand they teach. I’m not punishing enough. I don’t move fast enough. I’ve been doing it this way the whole time, why should I listen to this crazy bitch? Oh, I see it.

The validation I feel when you ask me for more classes is off the charts. I’ve been teaching for over twelve years now and I’ve learned some pretty inviolable truths.

 

If I offer more classes, you end up coming less often not more often.

It Always Seems Like A Good Idea at The Time.

For over six years, I taught Evening yoga at 7:30 p.m. Tuesdays AND Thursdays. And for six years, I would say seven out of ten times one of those nights would end up a no show night. I made the tough decision to eliminate Thursdays.

Guess what? Not only did folks show up on Tuesdays, but more folks than usual started coming. Procrastination. Yep, people would find all kinds of reasons to go on Thursday because Tuesday was too busy and they wouldn’t come to either. I don’t know why that is, but it’s true.

Once a month, someone now asks me, begs me to add another Evening yoga class. I recognize their sincerity and passion. I still say nope.

 

No matter what, I can’t teach all of the classes.

via GIPHY

I’m just one person who also has a full-time writing career, a couple of part-time gigs, and laundry. This one I need to remind myself of frequently. I actually inherited some of my class schedule, but I built the rest of my schedule to accommodate my life. While I do wonder that my 6:15 a.m. classes are smaller, I also know I can’t pull off a 5 a.m. workout any longer.

Also, we all have lives. Busy, sometimes chaotic lives. That takes time.

 

Everyone has an ideal routine.

I know some of you drag yourselves to Fit Fun Flex and wish it was all Cycle. Some of you love Fit Fun Flex, but hit Bodypump because frankly, I’m not an insanely high energy teacher. Those of you who love Fit Fun Flex would never step into a Zumba class and hate that our warm up is dancing. And I’ll never see some of  you in any of my yoga classes. It’s all good.

If It Weren’t for My Coffee Ritual Some Folk Would Be Missing Right Now.

Variety keeps you improving and reduces potential injuries.

I’m a big believer in shaking things up. There are those gym hounds who lift weights Mon Weds Fri and do cardio Tues Thurs. Period. Some of you only workout in the morning (my personal favorite). Some of you have to hit the 5 a.m. classes because of work schedules and some of you couldn’t open your eyes to workout before noon.

 

Settling into one workout or one class can kill your motivation, but it can also lead to repetitive stress injury. It’s why my class routines are always different day to day. I’m trying to defy the rut.

I love that you love my classes, but you gotta trust me on this.

 

 

 

My Personal Space Bubble. Your Personal Space Bubble.

No Man’s Land. No Woman’s Land. My Feet Only.

I had a great bunch of new faces in my Beginning class on Saturday. Regular clients giving the weekend a shot. New people stepping out for spring to try something different. It’s great. Good mat etiquette is something you can find oodles of posts about. One yoga gaff I hadn’t counted on, in fact, it never even crossed the darkest recesses of my mind (and they get pretty dark) happened to a couple of my regular clients. A newbie walked across their yoga mat! Twice!

No Touchy The Mat!

Stunned, she couldn’t even respond, especially when the newbie returned the same way. She pulled me aside this morning to tell me about it. It took most of the practice for her to get into her groove, she was so angry. She relayed the double jeopardy saying my other client told him in in no uncertain terms to get off of her mat.

I occasionally step on clients’ mats to help them with alignment, but I’ve never, in all of my years of yoga (and there are plenty) had someone else walk across my mat.

There are a lot of articles out there about good mat etiquette, mostly devoted to keeping it clean, staggering your spacing so more people can find room, not coming in late, not leaving early, blah blah blah. In all of my searching, I found a lone single article stating what seems to be common sense.

Don’t step on someone else’s mat without permission. Feet, people!

 

Only Dumbbells Drop Dumbbells

I dragged my sorry carcass out of bed for Morning Energy Yoga today. Since the town recreation center expanded, we have two rooms for yoga. My classes rotate upstairs to downstairs. Interesting design choice, someone decided to put the weight room upstairs. Directly above the downstairs studio.

To be fair, the downstairs room hosts Zumba, Fit Fun Flex, and RIPPED in addition to the many yoga classes during the day. This morning seemed particularly disruptive. You know what I’m talking about. BOOM BA BOOM.

 

If Someone’s Looking at You, They Are Not Impressed. They Are Irritated.

 

Those weight lifting maniacs are upstairs dropping their fucking weights like olympian dead lifters. When did this become a thing? I lift weights and let me tell you, it’s all about control. Sure, I may be fatiguing out, but fuck if I have those weights managed.

Can You Read?

A little hint for those of you mad lifters, it’s absolutely unnecessary and only proves you’re lifting out of your league. Don’t take my dainty word for it, I looked it up. Dropping the weights isn’t needed 90% of the time. In fact, there are signs all over the gym specifically saying, “DON’T DROP THE WEIGHTS.”

But do any of those weight dropping knuckleheads adhere to the rules? Hell no, never mind there is a friggin’ yoga class going on downstairs. Dropping those monsters interrupts the fitness classes I teach as well.

Okay, don’t consider your bullshit disruptive behavior, consider the weights. They aren’t designed to be dropped as part of the work out. Losing control of your weight means something ain’t right and I’m not talking fatigue.

 

Or perhaps your eyes were bigger than your pecs and there was just too much weight in your hands. Or possibly your form sucks. -Bob Doucette

 

Are You Illya Illyin? Then Don’t Drop The Friggin’ Weights.

Y’all have been watching too much television. Jim Schmitz, former U.S. Olympic Weightlifting Coach even says it.  I get it, sometimes shit goes down and you have to drop a weight. But that crap should NOT be a part of your normal routine.

 

Lowering weights properly won’t weaken you. – Jim Schmitz

 

I’m not alone in my rage either.

Last month, during Evening Yoga savasana in the upstairs room, some bonehead was in the hallway doing push ups and in between was sliding a twenty pound barbell weight along the floor and letting it spin around to thunk like a quarter. Outside of the studio miles away from the weight room!

And he was pissed at me for gently, GENTLY I tell you, asking him to move it back to the weight room.

Not only is it bad form, both literally and metaphorically, it’s part of the Code, man! You’re not impressing anyone and quite likely you’re just moments shy of having a barbell swung at your head.

 

Gym Etiquette 

Gym Idiots

Don’t Be A Meathead