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All of The Benefits, None of The Bullsh*t

 

A therapeutic-based style of yoga incorporating a focus on healthy spinal alignment, corrective joint alignment, stronger utilization of co-concentric muscle activation for powerful, lean support with zero fucks to give.

 

 

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Yoga People Can Be The Worst

Hippy-dippy yoga people are supposed to be zen, accepting, and full of OM. Yeah right, whenever I start talking F*cking Yoga, you can see the zen just melt right out of them.

 

Yoga people can ruin it for everyone.

 

You would think a brand of yoga designed to draw more people into the yoga studio would be a good thing. Man, yoga people can be such a buzz kill.

One of the offspring had his friends overnight and the breakfast table was full. Turns out, one of his gal pals is taking her yoga certification at the local community college. She recognized me from one of my yoga classes and the subject of F*cking Yoga: Yoga for The 99% came up. You’d think a young person would have an open mind.

You’d think.

As I talked about The F*cking Yoga philosophy, if there is one, I could see the light in her eyes die. She pursed her lips and checked out of the blah blah blah I was laying down. She had the grace not to roll her eyes.

I’m not teaching yoga for people who are INTO yoga. I can spot those yogis the minute they walk into my class. Those kinds of folks are into the broader hoodoo voodoo of yoga and I’m more of a no-nonsense brand of yoga.

 

 

Yoga is hard.

 

Everyone Feels Like This Before Their First Yoga Class.

 

Most people try yoga because someone said, “It will change your life!” I figure if you’re coming to yoga for the first time, you might’ve lost a bet. The people who come into my class aren’t looking for a primer on yoga philosophy. They’re just trying to figure out which foot goes where on the mat.

If I can get you to come back for a second class, it’s a win. Yoga takes time. Physical yoga AND philosophical yoga. Sometimes, not always, a client comes to me after a class and says, “I may have spaced out during savasana.” Holy shit! That’s a triumph.

More often than not, it’s more like a client drifts out of class without any of their shit and then comes back sheepish. That’s also a triumph. I don’t need a person to recognize the zen to prove my yoga is worthy.

It’s much more important to get people to come back to class on the reg. Over time, the zen will come.

And there’s nothing wrong with you if it doesn’t.

 

No One Ever Says You’re Fat: All Leggings Are NOT Created Equal

Leggings should slip on without effort. The advantage of leggings is their comfort and second skin cozy. Wearing leggings should not feel like you just walked out of the sausage factory. This is why women prefer them over jeans. If we wanted them to feel like a sausage casing, we would wear tights. I haven’t worn fucking pantyhose in twenty-five years.

 

My issues with leggings are many. I’m 5’5″ right at the national average. To say I’m 5’5″ means very little in the world of women’s sizing. I’m short waisted (fellas, it means my rib to hip length is short). By contrast, I have a 32″ inseam that means my legs are longer in proportion to my height.

 

In the good ole days, I could buy shrink to fit Levi’s 501s to match my waist and inseam (sized up for shrinkage). I could go back to those shrink to fits, but the Universe gave us stretchy denim. The clouds parted. The angels sang. Mana rained from the skies.

 

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No One Ever Says You’re Getting Fat: Part Two

The Sign to The Right Says It All.

Imagine Valentine’s weekend 2014. Like all Februarys in Colorado, the temperature was up and down. Rain one day, snow the next. I don’t typically mind it because it’s a short month and the onset of March means no more below freezing temperatures. I really hate winter.

 

Six-thirty in the morning before I teach yoga and I’m doing some tidying. Clean the kitchen, run the dishwasher, and take out the rubbish. One wrong step off the front porch and I ended up tits over ass in the driveway. The ankle was shattered.

 

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No One Ever Says You’re Getting Fat: Part One

I always say a piece of chocolate cake is cheaper and more fun than botox.

 

Okay, my mother would say you’re getting fat, but most polite society won’t. And with good fucking reason. It’s none of their goddamn business. Maybe you have a thyroid condition or a metabolic disorder. Or perhaps, you are tired of dealing with all of the calorie counting bullshit and said fuck it.

 

 

The problem for me is if no one says you’re getting fat, I don’t notice. Until I see a picture of myself. You fucking know it.

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Yoga for Everybody Is Bullshit.

You know it. Someone has told you, “You HAVE to try yoga! It’s GOOD for you!” Fuck that noise. Yoga for everybody is bullshit. Don’t get me wrong. I love yoga. I hope so; I’ve been practicing it for over 30 years. I don’t love this sing-songy, oozing bullshit I hear when someone is talking about yoga. Yes, I eavesdrop. I’m a writer, of course, I am.

This crap is everywhere. The top ten reasons you should try yoga. Yoga will change your life. Seven reasons you shouldn’t try yoga. Snort, like that, isn’t a shady bullshit move. Every single one of these articles tout the same malarkey if not the same angle. Oooh, we love yoga and so too shall you.

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